Collaborative divorce sounds like a juxtaposition of terms but this divorce process can save lives! OK, that may sound a little dramatic but, in reality, it is the quality of life going forward, especially for children. There are many different divorce processes which I have explained in an early blog so I won't g through the detailed description of each but rather focus or highlight what the collaborative process is all about.
Each couple must sign the collaborative agreement or a participation agreement. In the agreement each spouse promises to be upfront, honest, respectful and most importantly not go to court. Both spouses must retain a collaboratively trained lawyer and, initially meet with their newly retained legal council. The first 4-way meeting which consists of both spouses and their lawyers discusses the process, how it works and the rules of conduct.
At the second meeting the issues are brought forward. Every divorce is different and some couples may agree, for example, on the financial issues and custody issues but not on access issues (access to the children). Wherever there is disagreement that is where the couple and their lawyers work to some form of resolve. The reason the lawyers are there is to ensure that the spouses are being fair to one another from a family law perspective. Sometimes people feel they will give away everything to make the divorce issues go away but later live to regret the decision. Lawyers help to ensure the fairness prevails and also correct any misconceptions. Collaborative divorce embraces the interdisciplinary model which simply means that other professionals may be invited to join the group. Often family professionals are necessary when access issues are at the forefront. They can work out parenting plans with the couple. Often times financial professionals can be brought into the group to help with budgeting issues and also to ensure that the assets you want to keep are the assets you can afford. Sometimes spouses will give away retirement funds, for example, to keep the house but they can't afford to keep the house and they have to work all their lives as they cannot afford to retire. Often there are solutions available at the beginning of the divorce that would negate these future issues.
What is really important in the collaborative process is that despite the bad feelings each spouse has for one another during this time because they have treated each other respectfully they can continue to co- parent after the divorce is over. There are studies that show that affectively co-parented children grow up to be just as stable and 'normal' as children of couples who remain together. High conflict divorces always create problems for children. Sometimes they are manipulated by one parent or the other and grow up to resent the parent who did so when they are old enough to understand. These children often end up with issues that they grapple with well into adulthood. So, therefore, my statement that collaborative divorce can save lives.
If you are going through a divorce or thinking about it here are some links to the GTA lawyers, family professionals and financial professionals who are collaboratively trained in this area.
www.peelcollaborative.com
www.collaborativepracticetoronto.com
If you are out of the Toronto area there is an international association that provides names of professionals as well as links to local groups.
www.collaborativepractice.com
These website also have a large amount of information available about the collaborative process.
